Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
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This is where y'all can post comments on my fanfic thus far. I've also thought I'd be doing some editing of the older chapters as well.
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
Since you have been so kind to read my fanfic and comment positively and appropriately, 'tis only fair that I do the same. While I am not a gung-ho fan of Yu-Gi-Oh and/or the card-based duel games, I do like to watch them on TV for the entertainment value. But that minor opinion aside, we're talking about YOUR story here, and not the TV show.
Overall, I like how your story flows. You tell it almost as if it were a journal, commenting and observing everything from your point of view. You do bring some depth to the characters by being very detailed in what they wear, look like and react to others. It appears that this is starting off as a "good kid who knows how to duel goes to great academy, falls for the best babe in the class, and has to fight off potential other suitors and/or trouble makers to prove himself and win the girl." I just hope at the end, when you reach the final tower, some mushroom guy doesn't jump up and say, "I'm sorry, but the princess is in the other castle!"
It is entertaining to read, but if I may make one small personal observation: for those of us more concerned about the story than the details, why do you need to explicitly list every card in any given deck? It's fine when you say, "so-and-so duelist likes to use a such-and-such type of deck" - that gives us a feel for the type of player they are. It's also cool if, during a duel, you play a particular card and then explain what powers it has that were appropriate for that time in the duel. I do like detail, but too much of it can detract from the story line.
Again, that's just my opinion. I know in my fan-fic I sometimes go off and explain technical stuff in geek-jargon, and I have to catch myself from going on too much about the technical details for one particular scene. It is, after all, a story - not a reference manual. As for your story, keep up the good work - I'll be reading more of it as you post.
*Salutes*
Overall, I like how your story flows. You tell it almost as if it were a journal, commenting and observing everything from your point of view. You do bring some depth to the characters by being very detailed in what they wear, look like and react to others. It appears that this is starting off as a "good kid who knows how to duel goes to great academy, falls for the best babe in the class, and has to fight off potential other suitors and/or trouble makers to prove himself and win the girl." I just hope at the end, when you reach the final tower, some mushroom guy doesn't jump up and say, "I'm sorry, but the princess is in the other castle!"
It is entertaining to read, but if I may make one small personal observation: for those of us more concerned about the story than the details, why do you need to explicitly list every card in any given deck? It's fine when you say, "so-and-so duelist likes to use a such-and-such type of deck" - that gives us a feel for the type of player they are. It's also cool if, during a duel, you play a particular card and then explain what powers it has that were appropriate for that time in the duel. I do like detail, but too much of it can detract from the story line.
Again, that's just my opinion. I know in my fan-fic I sometimes go off and explain technical stuff in geek-jargon, and I have to catch myself from going on too much about the technical details for one particular scene. It is, after all, a story - not a reference manual. As for your story, keep up the good work - I'll be reading more of it as you post.
![:-D :D](./images/smilies/icon_e_biggrin.gif)
*Salutes*
![Image](http://www.wkrconcepts.com/bytedq.jpg)
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
MARIO REFERENCE, FTW!!
That was fuckin' epic!
Well I'm still in need of getting off my ass and getting back to finishing up chapter 10 as I have not written anything solid since 2/25 of this year and that was in my story thread in the writing forum on NG. Even then, it's not as much as I would like. I've just been a little busy these last couple weeks. Mainly with doctors appointments. >_<
I guess I felt the need to list the decks and breakdown because I'm not really sure who is and who isn't familiar with the Yu-Gi-Oh! universe.
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
That was fuckin' epic!
Well I'm still in need of getting off my ass and getting back to finishing up chapter 10 as I have not written anything solid since 2/25 of this year and that was in my story thread in the writing forum on NG. Even then, it's not as much as I would like. I've just been a little busy these last couple weeks. Mainly with doctors appointments. >_<
I guess I felt the need to list the decks and breakdown because I'm not really sure who is and who isn't familiar with the Yu-Gi-Oh! universe.
Last edited by SlntCobra1 on Sun Jun 20, 2010 11:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: forgot to answer a question.
Reason: forgot to answer a question.
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
SlntCobra1 wrote:I guess I felt the need to list the decks and breakdown because I'm not really sure who is and who isn't familiar with the Yu-Gi-Oh! universe.
Well, here's another hint...the deck listing does nothing for someone unfamiliar with Yugioh. To me, it's just a wall of text. Rather than getting involved in the statistics, go with what the cards actually do in the game. For example, if I was narrating a Magic the Gathering match, I wouldn't get involved with the stats as much, maybe just a little bit.
For example:
"Jen and I prepped our decks for the battle. I was using my white-colored Samurai deck, which was known for being able to summon many fast, yet effective creatures. What's best is that the more Samurai I had on the battlefield, the stronger they all became. Jen, in reponse, had her "stompy" green deck, known for it's colossal creatures that could tear through my forces. The key to my game was speed...if I could get the jump on the game before she got all of her big creatures out to play, I'd be the victor."
<jumping to another section of the match>
"After my nice attack from last turn, Jen pulled a big suprise on me. She cast her Epic Dragon (I'm not bothering to look up a real card), which was a huge creature with 8 attack power. She also cast a spell that let it attack this turn!! Considering I had 7 life left over, getting an attack through would be the match. Also, since all of my Samurai were tapped, they couldn't defend!
Naturally, Jen called her attack and sicked her creature against me. That's when I pulled by ace-in-the-hole. Casting Call to Arms, I was able to untap all of my creatures and make them more powerful. All of my Samurai ganged up against Jen's Dragon, easily defeating it. While the Dragon took out three of my Samurai with it, I'd live to fight another day. Now it was my chance to attack again."
As you can see, the cards are mentioned, and the gameplay is mentioned. I'd contend that anyone who hasn't even heard of Magic the Gathering would be able to follow the theme of the story, at least. And, of course, someone that played the game fervently would be able to appreciate it all the more.
Also, one thing I've noted is that I've read MTG articles that reference cards, but I still have to google what every card is and what its stats are. Instead of getting involved in specific cards and expecting everyone to know what it does, go with a more general feel. Treat your cards as characters. You'll know the specifics, but the person reading the story won't necessarily have to for them to enjoy it.
![Image](http://www.eagleworld.net/pics/eaglerockfahrenheit.jpg)
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
Ok, I'll keep that in mind for my future duels in my fanfic. Thanks for the tip! ^_^
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
Well, I've done some more reading on the latest chapters of your story. Looks like we went from PG to PG-13 to R and maybe even a little "X". I never realized that playing with Yu-gi-oh cards could make you such a stud, but hey, if it turns the women on, go for it!
These later chapters are written well, and obviously we've hit the "romantic" part of the story line. You also threw in the comedy part when Trev admitted to "having six inches" ready for that "cock-teaser" Alexis. First rule of writing about your own manhood - it's NEVER less than 8 inches. No one's going to really measure it, but everyone knows 6 inches is average.
Maybe the first exposure to Alexis could have went something like this:
Her kiss and her touch made him rock hard, to the point that his pants hurt from being so tight. "Baby, if you want to play in my jungle, you need to let the tiger out of his cage!" She looked down at his bulging pants, and with a wry smile, slowly undid the button, and then lowered his zipper with her lips. She took her time, teasing him as she lowered his jeans to his ankles. Then she reached inside his underwear, wanting to touch him, feel him, please him with her hands. But when she pulled away his underclothes, her jaw dropped and she froze like a deer in headlights.
"Oh, did I forget to tell you - my nickname is "The Human Tripod". When I'm horny like this, it's impossible for me to fall over forwards!"
See, no mention of length - just shock and awe. If you're going to write about sex, do what every other man does - lie about it, for God's sake!
Anyways, keep up the good work!
These later chapters are written well, and obviously we've hit the "romantic" part of the story line. You also threw in the comedy part when Trev admitted to "having six inches" ready for that "cock-teaser" Alexis. First rule of writing about your own manhood - it's NEVER less than 8 inches. No one's going to really measure it, but everyone knows 6 inches is average.
Maybe the first exposure to Alexis could have went something like this:
Her kiss and her touch made him rock hard, to the point that his pants hurt from being so tight. "Baby, if you want to play in my jungle, you need to let the tiger out of his cage!" She looked down at his bulging pants, and with a wry smile, slowly undid the button, and then lowered his zipper with her lips. She took her time, teasing him as she lowered his jeans to his ankles. Then she reached inside his underwear, wanting to touch him, feel him, please him with her hands. But when she pulled away his underclothes, her jaw dropped and she froze like a deer in headlights.
"Oh, did I forget to tell you - my nickname is "The Human Tripod". When I'm horny like this, it's impossible for me to fall over forwards!"
See, no mention of length - just shock and awe. If you're going to write about sex, do what every other man does - lie about it, for God's sake!
Anyways, keep up the good work!
![:-D :D](./images/smilies/icon_e_biggrin.gif)
![Image](http://www.wkrconcepts.com/bytedq.jpg)
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
The thought had crossed my mind a lot, but I'm doing this on my level, for lack of a better phrase, and I will give kudos, that was really hot what you just wrote.
I'm not going to lie.
Also, what are your thoughts on my two possible options?
![:-| :oops:](./images/smilies/icon_redface.gif)
![:-| :oops:](./images/smilies/icon_redface.gif)
Also, what are your thoughts on my two possible options?
Last edited by SlntCobra1 on Sun Jun 20, 2010 11:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: forgot to ask a question.
Reason: forgot to ask a question.
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
SlntCobra1 wrote:The thought had crossed my mind a lot, but I'm doing this on my level, for lack of a better phrase, and I will give kudos, that was really hot what you just wrote.![]()
I'm not going to lie.
Glad you liked it. Just because I have a few years on you (okay, more than a few) doesn't mean I don't remember how it all works. Now, go take a cold shower!
SlntCobra1 wrote:Also, what are your thoughts on my two possible options?
I go for the interruption. An interruption adds tension to the situation, and once that interruption has been addressed, what better way to relieve that extra tension than with more sex? Sometimes, you have to slow down and coast to build up more interest - it makes the sex last longer, and usually makes climaxes much more intense.'
But that's just my opinion....
Have fun!
![Image](http://www.wkrconcepts.com/bytedq.jpg)
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
Yea I have been leaning more towards the interruption myself, but after that part, I have no idea where to go next. >_<
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
SlntCobra1 wrote:Yea I have been leaning more towards the interruption myself, but after that part, I have no idea where to go next. >_<
Well, I have an idea. You've heard of strip poker? How about strip dueling? In the story, after the interruption, Trev is upset with Alexis over something she said about his dueling style and abilities. He wants to duel her and show her (again) just how good he is. Alexis, however, doesn't really care about proving anything either way - she just wants to get back into Trev's pants. So she comes up with a compromise. They both get dressed in normal street clothes and light jackets - and every article of clothing gets a point value. The total point value for each person reflects their starting total points for their duel. Every time someone loses points, the attacker gets to remove an article of clothing equal to or less than the value of points lost from the person who lost those points. The less points you have, the more naked you are.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter who wins - after enough skin is shown, they give up on the duel and go at right there on the card table.
How about that?
![(!) :idea:](./images/smilies/icon_idea.gif)
![Image](http://www.wkrconcepts.com/bytedq.jpg)
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![8-D :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
![Image](http://bbsimg.ngfiles.com/10/22418000/ngbbs4d4cd726b5e3b.jpg)
lol, it was hard to put the image in the signature...
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![:-D :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
I noticed you forgot to post chapter 4 :P
You might want to edit your posts ;)
Other than that, everything's fine, though I still need to read chapter 10 :/
You might want to edit your posts ;)
Other than that, everything's fine, though I still need to read chapter 10 :/
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
![:-| :oops:](./images/smilies/icon_redface.gif)
![:-| :oops:](./images/smilies/icon_redface.gif)
![>:-( :x](./images/smilies/icon_mad.gif)
![>:-( :x](./images/smilies/icon_mad.gif)
DAMMIT! I just wish there was some way to insert a post! >_<
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
SlntCobra1 wrote::oops: :oops: :x :x
DAMMIT! I just wish there was some way to insert a post! >_<
You can split the thread into two where the chapter is missing, then reply to the thread with chapters 1-3, posting the missing chapter (4). After that, you merge the thread that have chapters 1-4 and 5-10 ;)
Re: Duel Academy -- A Romantic Comedy comments thread
Instead how about you help me out here and I'll let you take care of that. I'm still worn the hell out. ugh!
Last edited by SlntCobra1 on Sun Jun 20, 2010 11:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: Lizz reminded me no SPOILERS. Thanks. hehehe
Reason: Lizz reminded me no SPOILERS. Thanks. hehehe
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