Emotion: My lack of it.
Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:02 pm
Now, this was a message I sent to my best friend called Danny while he was camping down south, to which... He has no idea how to deal with it. I've not chosen to reword any of it, because it's come straight from the message. I made this a couple of weeks ago, and while I don't feel as bad as I did then... the feeling, and the message of the message still stands. Danny is the friend I'm writing to... Sophie is my girlfriend... Bekka is Danny's girlfriend, and I think that's all the name you need to know.
On with the show shall we? I don't ask for you to reply... This was just to explain, or somehow show the users in this thread, just how I'm feeling / do feel.
I don't ask for comments, you can reply back to what you think, no doubt Byte... You will. I'd appreciate if you do Byte, but you don't have to, as I can understand how people can get sick of me just babbling on with myself. Eagle, with all due respect.... If you're annoyed because of this for whatever reason just delete it. I don't mind.
On with the show.
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Now it's me asking the questions.
Well, not so much of a questions, more of a statement and just something to get off my chest.
See, because while you've been gone Danny... And while my contact with Sophie has been somewhat minimal, i've begun to do a lot of thinking. Just general thinking about everything in my life at the minute.
The fact that my girlfriend's dad is going mentally insane and having a psychotic break...
The fact that this girlfriend in question, I haven't gotten off with her in over 2 months...
The fact that every day for the past few weeks i've woken up questioning myself.
A bit of a big jump yeah? Well you'd better believe it.
See... Because i don't know what to do Danny. Really. I'm lost in my own world of self-belief. I keep thinking to myself that... Nothing out hurt if it happened to me... Nothing can harm me because it's not real... And that... I can't feel anything because I'm actually not a person who I'm supposed to be.
This is probably confusing the hell out of you right now, if it is I'm sorry...
Here... let me put it into a simple term.
I CAN'T FEEL EMOTIONS DANNY.
I can't. I know WHAT they are, I just can't feel them.
I bet, for a while you've been missing me and bekka and others while you've been away... Right?
And when I went away.... Sophie and you missed me... Right?
Well let me put this in a nice way, please don't take this the wrong way...
I didn't miss you.
I didn't miss Sophie.
I didn't miss my auntie marie.
I didn't miss any of my family.
I didn't miss.... Anyone!
I can't feel emotions Danny and it's killing me. I don't know what to do and I'm so lost and confused at a time when Sophie needs me the most.
I'm such a good person for putting up a barrier of happiness... A barrier of smiles and dignity.
I can't feel happiness when my mum comes into my room. I sit there and stare at the computer.
I don't feel sadness when I realise i've not done any revision, nor do I feel sadness when I think back to every fucking detail about the day my dad died.
I didn't even feel remotely surprised or excited for my birthday little party that I knew was going to be held for me.
I should feel something.
I'm not a sicko Danny. I just can't feel emotions. I feel as if I'm dead inside. I don't know what the hell to do.
I just feel in a daze. My mind is a blur and my concentration, along with my memory have started to go. I can't remember what I did yesterday, the day before, or even what we did on Friday or Saturday. I don't remember what I ate, what I was wearing, or who I rang.
I start to do something, but then start on something else when the first thing has not been done. The days are passing by in so much of a blur, I feel as if I'm just stood there not even moving as the world passes by around me.
I don't feel anything Danny... For ANYONE.
I know you as my best friend... But I don't know why. I don't feel any emotion towards you and I should do... I really fucking should do.
I know Sophie as my girlfriend... And I know that she is something that is close to me, and someone I want to spend a very long time with... But I don't know any emotions I have of her.
I don't know whether I feel happy when I'm with you, her or my family.
I just don't know.
You're the only person that i've told of this, and I'm sorry that you're away camping and i've done this. I really am. I need something... Someone to help me. I can't break, nor can I fall.
Not now.
See.... That's why I can deal with all these things. This is why I ask people to talk to me, and this is why I give good advice on feelings. It all makes sense now.
I can deal with things... Because on the inside... I'm dead. the emotions I feel, I have none. I speak to other people about their emotions because it puts me in a reality where I think I have some, or me speaking about the emotions make me be put under a false sense of believe meant that the emotions are easily felt.
But in reality...
I don't feel a thing.
I don't feel happiness.
I don't feel sadness.
I don't feel excitement or thrill.
I just feel...
Empty.
Numb.
and dead.
I'm sorry Danny if this ruined your holiday... But I had to tell someone...
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Well that's that. That's the end of the conversation. Sure we spoke about it after that.... But my friend Danny had nothing to say because he physically couldn't help me when I was in this state.
On with the show shall we? I don't ask for you to reply... This was just to explain, or somehow show the users in this thread, just how I'm feeling / do feel.
I don't ask for comments, you can reply back to what you think, no doubt Byte... You will. I'd appreciate if you do Byte, but you don't have to, as I can understand how people can get sick of me just babbling on with myself. Eagle, with all due respect.... If you're annoyed because of this for whatever reason just delete it. I don't mind.
On with the show.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now it's me asking the questions.
Well, not so much of a questions, more of a statement and just something to get off my chest.
See, because while you've been gone Danny... And while my contact with Sophie has been somewhat minimal, i've begun to do a lot of thinking. Just general thinking about everything in my life at the minute.
The fact that my girlfriend's dad is going mentally insane and having a psychotic break...
The fact that this girlfriend in question, I haven't gotten off with her in over 2 months...
The fact that every day for the past few weeks i've woken up questioning myself.
A bit of a big jump yeah? Well you'd better believe it.
See... Because i don't know what to do Danny. Really. I'm lost in my own world of self-belief. I keep thinking to myself that... Nothing out hurt if it happened to me... Nothing can harm me because it's not real... And that... I can't feel anything because I'm actually not a person who I'm supposed to be.
This is probably confusing the hell out of you right now, if it is I'm sorry...
Here... let me put it into a simple term.
I CAN'T FEEL EMOTIONS DANNY.
I can't. I know WHAT they are, I just can't feel them.
I bet, for a while you've been missing me and bekka and others while you've been away... Right?
And when I went away.... Sophie and you missed me... Right?
Well let me put this in a nice way, please don't take this the wrong way...
I didn't miss you.
I didn't miss Sophie.
I didn't miss my auntie marie.
I didn't miss any of my family.
I didn't miss.... Anyone!
I can't feel emotions Danny and it's killing me. I don't know what to do and I'm so lost and confused at a time when Sophie needs me the most.
I'm such a good person for putting up a barrier of happiness... A barrier of smiles and dignity.
I can't feel happiness when my mum comes into my room. I sit there and stare at the computer.
I don't feel sadness when I realise i've not done any revision, nor do I feel sadness when I think back to every fucking detail about the day my dad died.
I didn't even feel remotely surprised or excited for my birthday little party that I knew was going to be held for me.
I should feel something.
I'm not a sicko Danny. I just can't feel emotions. I feel as if I'm dead inside. I don't know what the hell to do.
I just feel in a daze. My mind is a blur and my concentration, along with my memory have started to go. I can't remember what I did yesterday, the day before, or even what we did on Friday or Saturday. I don't remember what I ate, what I was wearing, or who I rang.
I start to do something, but then start on something else when the first thing has not been done. The days are passing by in so much of a blur, I feel as if I'm just stood there not even moving as the world passes by around me.
I don't feel anything Danny... For ANYONE.
I know you as my best friend... But I don't know why. I don't feel any emotion towards you and I should do... I really fucking should do.
I know Sophie as my girlfriend... And I know that she is something that is close to me, and someone I want to spend a very long time with... But I don't know any emotions I have of her.
I don't know whether I feel happy when I'm with you, her or my family.
I just don't know.
You're the only person that i've told of this, and I'm sorry that you're away camping and i've done this. I really am. I need something... Someone to help me. I can't break, nor can I fall.
Not now.
See.... That's why I can deal with all these things. This is why I ask people to talk to me, and this is why I give good advice on feelings. It all makes sense now.
I can deal with things... Because on the inside... I'm dead. the emotions I feel, I have none. I speak to other people about their emotions because it puts me in a reality where I think I have some, or me speaking about the emotions make me be put under a false sense of believe meant that the emotions are easily felt.
But in reality...
I don't feel a thing.
I don't feel happiness.
I don't feel sadness.
I don't feel excitement or thrill.
I just feel...
Empty.
Numb.
and dead.
I'm sorry Danny if this ruined your holiday... But I had to tell someone...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that's that. That's the end of the conversation. Sure we spoke about it after that.... But my friend Danny had nothing to say because he physically couldn't help me when I was in this state.