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Emotion: My lack of it.

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Lizzardis

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Post Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:02 pm

Emotion: My lack of it.

Now, this was a message I sent to my best friend called Danny while he was camping down south, to which... He has no idea how to deal with it. I've not chosen to reword any of it, because it's come straight from the message. I made this a couple of weeks ago, and while I don't feel as bad as I did then... the feeling, and the message of the message still stands. Danny is the friend I'm writing to... Sophie is my girlfriend... Bekka is Danny's girlfriend, and I think that's all the name you need to know.

On with the show shall we? I don't ask for you to reply... This was just to explain, or somehow show the users in this thread, just how I'm feeling / do feel.

I don't ask for comments, you can reply back to what you think, no doubt Byte... You will. I'd appreciate if you do Byte, but you don't have to, as I can understand how people can get sick of me just babbling on with myself. Eagle, with all due respect.... If you're annoyed because of this for whatever reason just delete it. I don't mind.

On with the show.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now it's me asking the questions.

Well, not so much of a questions, more of a statement and just something to get off my chest.

See, because while you've been gone Danny... And while my contact with Sophie has been somewhat minimal, i've begun to do a lot of thinking. Just general thinking about everything in my life at the minute.

The fact that my girlfriend's dad is going mentally insane and having a psychotic break...
The fact that this girlfriend in question, I haven't gotten off with her in over 2 months...
The fact that every day for the past few weeks i've woken up questioning myself.

A bit of a big jump yeah? Well you'd better believe it.

See... Because i don't know what to do Danny. Really. I'm lost in my own world of self-belief. I keep thinking to myself that... Nothing out hurt if it happened to me... Nothing can harm me because it's not real... And that... I can't feel anything because I'm actually not a person who I'm supposed to be.

This is probably confusing the hell out of you right now, if it is I'm sorry...

Here... let me put it into a simple term.

I CAN'T FEEL EMOTIONS DANNY.

I can't. I know WHAT they are, I just can't feel them.

I bet, for a while you've been missing me and bekka and others while you've been away... Right?
And when I went away.... Sophie and you missed me... Right?

Well let me put this in a nice way, please don't take this the wrong way...

I didn't miss you.
I didn't miss Sophie.
I didn't miss my auntie marie.
I didn't miss any of my family.

I didn't miss.... Anyone!

I can't feel emotions Danny and it's killing me. I don't know what to do and I'm so lost and confused at a time when Sophie needs me the most.

I'm such a good person for putting up a barrier of happiness... A barrier of smiles and dignity.

I can't feel happiness when my mum comes into my room. I sit there and stare at the computer.

I don't feel sadness when I realise i've not done any revision, nor do I feel sadness when I think back to every fucking detail about the day my dad died.

I didn't even feel remotely surprised or excited for my birthday little party that I knew was going to be held for me.

I should feel something.

I'm not a sicko Danny. I just can't feel emotions. I feel as if I'm dead inside. I don't know what the hell to do.

I just feel in a daze. My mind is a blur and my concentration, along with my memory have started to go. I can't remember what I did yesterday, the day before, or even what we did on Friday or Saturday. I don't remember what I ate, what I was wearing, or who I rang.

I start to do something, but then start on something else when the first thing has not been done. The days are passing by in so much of a blur, I feel as if I'm just stood there not even moving as the world passes by around me.

I don't feel anything Danny... For ANYONE.

I know you as my best friend... But I don't know why. I don't feel any emotion towards you and I should do... I really fucking should do.

I know Sophie as my girlfriend... And I know that she is something that is close to me, and someone I want to spend a very long time with... But I don't know any emotions I have of her.

I don't know whether I feel happy when I'm with you, her or my family.

I just don't know.

You're the only person that i've told of this, and I'm sorry that you're away camping and i've done this. I really am. I need something... Someone to help me. I can't break, nor can I fall.

Not now.

See.... That's why I can deal with all these things. This is why I ask people to talk to me, and this is why I give good advice on feelings. It all makes sense now.

I can deal with things... Because on the inside... I'm dead. the emotions I feel, I have none. I speak to other people about their emotions because it puts me in a reality where I think I have some, or me speaking about the emotions make me be put under a false sense of believe meant that the emotions are easily felt.

But in reality...

I don't feel a thing.

I don't feel happiness.
I don't feel sadness.
I don't feel excitement or thrill.

I just feel...

Empty.
Numb.
and dead.

I'm sorry Danny if this ruined your holiday... But I had to tell someone...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Well that's that. That's the end of the conversation. Sure we spoke about it after that.... But my friend Danny had nothing to say because he physically couldn't help me when I was in this state.
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Ismael92

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Post Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:29 pm

Re: Emotion: My lack of it.

I don't know a lot about this, but I've felt this lack of emotion in the past. It's normal and everyone goes through something like this several time on their lives, the only difference is how we deal with it. When something bad happens to you (or to someone you love, making you feel bad in result) we tend to get depressed and go numb because we think that not feeling anything is better than feeling negative emotions such as sadness. It's one of the ways to deal with the pain we're feeling, we shut down our emotions and repress everything, and we end up feeling empty. Your feelings are there, and you know it, because otherwise you wouldn't know that in certain situations you should feel happiness or sadness (even if you feel nothing).

You need to accept that there are some things we can't control, and if bad things happen to you, it's not always your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty.

I know this may not be really helpful, and I wish there was more I could do to make you feel better :(
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SlntCobra1

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Post Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:21 pm

Re: Emotion: My lack of it.

Very well put Ismael. Yea, there are times I just feel dead inside but later in the day, I'm as happy as a jeweler who just made a huge sale.
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Lizzardis

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Post Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:53 pm

Re: Emotion: My lack of it.

SlntCobra1 wrote:Very well put Ismael. Yea, there are times I just feel dead inside but later in the day, I'm as happy as a jeweler who just made a huge sale.

But later in the day.... For weeks... And some of the time even months... I still feel dead inside, and it's NOT NORMAL. Not for that long period of time. It's pathetic it really is... Yet I can't stop myself feeling like that sometimes :\
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ByteSlinger

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Post Sun Jun 20, 2010 8:17 pm

Re: Emotion: My lack of it.

Lizz, I reread your post three or four times, and it was hard to finish because of the tears that kept flowing down my cheeks. I am so saddened by how deeply you've been hurt. Right now, your mind has literally gone into overload and shutdown. So many things coming at you all at once, and your mind is trying to make sense of it all - you've literally managed a DOS (denial-of-service) attack on your brain.

It is the mental equivalent of a person's body going into shock when there's severe trauma, like a major head wound or losing a limb in an accident. The body can't deal with the pain, so it shuts down and ignores it all. Your mind is overwhelmed, and since it can't seem to believe what's going on, it tells you that it can't be real - that you are just an actor in a badly-written play.

But you know it's real - you just can't get to the feelings anymore. You want to feel something, but the overload prevents it. And then not being able to feel just adds to the tension and aggravation, and it continues the overload even more.

So how do you stop the overload? How do you get your life back?

The answer is simple, but the execution is tricky: You need perspective in your life.

Everything that is upon you is "right in your face, priority 1, gotta fix it right now" . But that's not possible - and not true. You make it true because you want to keep everything on the right track - and anything from little problems to big problems all become HUGE problems. You don't do this consciously - your mind does it all by yourself.

Yeah, I'm not telling you anything new. But I can tell you how to break the cycle. There is a small prayer I use that really does help me categorize how to handle everything that comes at me:

"God grant me the courage to change the things that I can change, the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference"

It does simplify life - for everything you experience, either you can alter it - or not. If you can't alter it, there's no sense in getting worked up over it. You have to accept it as something that just is, and good, bad or otherwise, it is what you have to work with. Even negative things can be used to help you grow, to and realize that sometimes the only thing you can change is yourself to get through the problem at hand.

You outlined a very large list of issues. They all affect you - but in reality, how many of them can you really change?

The situation with your girlfriend's Dad is very sad - but that is completely out of your control. All you CAN do is be there for her and support her as much as you can. You can't let that problem overtake you - it's not yours to have.

The situation with your girlfriend is normal. People go through different cycles in their lives, and sometimes the timing is bad. To be close to someone and share intimacy is a very personal thing, and if you (or her) are preoccupied with other major things in life, well, intimacy tends to suffer. This is temporary - you'll put out of this in a few weeks.

As for waking up and questioning yourself - and then denying all of the reality - well, that's the effect of these (and other) issues burying you.

By the way, you haven't blocked ALL of your emotions - you are still feeling GUILT and ANGER. You have managed to block out LOVE and COMPASSION, though. You are beating yourself up for no good reason - and you're blocking out love and compassion because you (a) don't want to feel any more pain from those you trust, and (b) you feel you don't deserve it, as a self-esteem issue.

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt. Lost the ovaries. I've been down this road, a long time ago. I've felt that guilt and that anger, and I've blocked out my feelings and pushed everyone I cared about away. I was at the end of my rope, and like you, spent a long time too numb to care. After all, I was damaged goods. I could never have children. My body had been violated by cancer. God must hate me - he took my husband, and now he took my womanhood. I was hollow, and all the tears I cried never seemed to fill the empty spaces in my soul.

It was a long, hard path to get back to a normal life. I had to let go of the survivor guilt about my husband, and realize that I was a lot more than a set of ovaries. I had to change how I felt about MYSELF to realize that despite all of this crap, I WAS WORTH SOMETHING. I WAS NOT JUNK.

But along the path to my healing, I did lose some friends. They couldn't seem just to "be there and listen" when I talked about my pain. They wouldn't smack me in the back of my head when I fell into my "pity party - poor, poor me!" . They only wanted to see me happy, and that was a long way off. So, they slowly faded away. I don't hate them for that - some people can't handle other people's problems that well.

My first major step towards healing was realizing that I had to accept the hand that I was dealt, and that I had two choices: either give up, roll myself up in a ball and cry until they locked me away in a psych ward - or channel all of my anger and frustration and fear back at life - to prove to this fucked-up world that you can knock me down - but you're NEVER gonna knock me out! I was going to do more than survive - I am going to thrive, and give a big-ass middle finger to life!

How will this help you? I'm not sure. But I do know something that may help:

First, Take some paper, and make three columns on it. In the first column, write a whole list of everything that is pressuring you - everything that you're worried about, everything that you fear. Just list them as they come to mind.

When you've finished that list, start at the top, and address each issue with this simple question: Can I change this, or is it completely out of my hands? Be careful about this one - for example, the "My girlfriend's Dad is going insane" is different than "Helping my girlfriend through the problems with her Dad". The first one you CANNOT change - but the second one, well, you can if needed.

Finally, for all of those that you think you can change, in the third column write some realistic and positive ideas on how you can really make a change for the better, such as getting more sleep or trying to eat healthier or keep your mouth shut rather than arguing with a fool.

Do NOT be surprised if MOST of those problems fall into the "Cannot Change" category. For all of those things you cannot change, you need to realize that these are the potholes and roadblocks in your life right now, and that they are NOT YOUR FAULT or YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. They are what they are - do not make those problems yours, since you can't do anything about them.

You'll be busy enough trying to change the things you can based on the other issues on your list. Focus your energy and your priorities on those events - these are the ones that you can make a difference in, even if it's a small one.

Perspective. That's what it's all about. I hope this helped. my friend.

Oh, and for God's sake, STOP APOLOGIZING! You know the world does NOT revolve around you - it can't - it's too busy revolving around me, the "Dark Queen of all that is Not Linux"! :!: :!: :!: :!:
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SlntCobra1

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Post Sun Jun 20, 2010 9:19 pm

Re: Emotion: My lack of it.

Wow, that is really well said Byte. I don't care what you say, I still feel sorry about what you went through. That was like a cruel sick joke. :( :cry: :cry:

And Lizz, take her advice to heart, you're too busy trying to fix everyone else's problems that they become overwhelming and you can't cope with that properly. You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

Also You Can't Always Get What You Want I find that this song gets truer and truer as time goes by.
95% of teens would cry if the Jonas brothers were about to jump off of a 10 story building. I'm one of the 5% who would bring popcorn and invite friends.
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Lizzardis

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Post Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:44 pm

Re: Emotion: My lack of it.

Later on today this all stops. Right here. Right now. I've admitted I have some sort of problem, what I have no idea of yet. but this shits gone on long enough.

For 3 years it's been the same feeling of no emotion, detachment from everything and everyone around me, the lack of motivation, concentration and the high levels of procrastination. I'm sick and tired of not being able to sleep and having a constant daydream of being sat on the edge of a bridge!

Hopefully the doctor should sort me out...

Hopefully.

This has gone on for long enough.
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ByteSlinger

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Post Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:57 pm

Re: Emotion: My lack of it.

My friend, although you are going to the doctor to help find your answer, you will discover that they will only uncover the path - and the answer is really found inside yourself. This sounds like a cop-out, but please hear me out: your personal pain has caused parts of you to put up semi-permanent walls, and these walls keep you numb. If you're numb, you can't feel any more pain - or any more love. These are the shields put up by a broken heart and a soul in distress.

These walls will not be brought down by medication or surgery; they were constructed by your mind, and can only be removed by your mind. The hard part is to convince your subconscious to let go and back off.

But there is a lot of good news :

First, you know what you're missing and you want it back (motivation).

Second, you have Sophie around to show you that not all of the world is out to hurt you (positive reinforcement).

Finally, you are young and bright and smart, and have a very promising future ahead of you, despite the problems you have faced (strength and perseverance)

The doctor's role is to bring some light to your darkness, and show you the obstacles in your way. By understanding these obstacles, they will either go away - or you will learn how to get around them. Doesn't really matter - I know that in the end, you will be triumphant, and that you will feel your "old self" again. Step back from the edge, my friend - there are a LOT of people behind you, on your side.

This will not happen overnight, but you have taken the most important step - the first one. Don't lose hope if it takes months to get that "A-HA" moment - when it all becomes clear, and the walls start to crumble. It took a long time to build these walls - it will take some time to tear them down.

Trust me - I know. Been there, done that - got the scars to show for it. And I know that in bottom of my heart you will find your answers soon.

We're all here for you, Lizz. You'll never be alone! ;)
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